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I'll drive you to the airport just so I can watch you leave...

even if you're leaving me.

6/25/08 06:39 pm - i love joey

i'm going to college =-0

2/6/06 09:16 pm - =(

i've come to realize
how much i miss ZiZi...
like so much i want to cry

i dont think u realize how much someone means to u until they are gone,
once they are gone they never know how much u loved them and how much
they meant to u. i wish he knew how much i love him. <33 4/16/05... =(

2/4/06 04:31 pm - whatever's whatever.

I'm in the worst mood ever, don't ask why cause I don't know. I hate stupid things and people and everything that goes along with that. Brokeback Mountain is a good movie, I saw it was Frannie today. I twas really long but it was good. I have to write my research paper tonight and start my 5 page bio report. Uggghh... it's not even why i'm in a bad mood i just am. Maybe it's the weather or sumthing but it is definietly nota good thing. Haaa.. i sound like i'm describing a monster or sumthing.

Anyway, yesterday wasn't too bad. It was blue & white day in school and a 3 on 3 tourny too. I was supposed to go to Zito's to hang out with Sean, but i didn't. I just ditched it basically for no reason other then everyone was drinking and smoking and i'd rather not do that, esp. with a guy with a thing for me. I bet he only wants some pussy anyway (no i'm not joking) that's all any guy wants. Really, i don't kno why they think they can get it from me because i'm not easy or whatever. Right now i feel like crying. STUPID HORMONES. Ugggh. But yeah, that pisses me off stupid guys that think they can get any girl that want. Or stupid guys in general breaking hearts like it's a job and leading girls on, get a life if ure such hot shit go to someone who really cares. I don't.

Oh, and i'm mad at my dad. He told me he'd take me out but then decided to say he's bringing Joelene.. so i called and said i had a headache just to get myself out of it because I can't stand it.

i dont feel like typing anything else
deal with it.blaaaaaah.

2/1/06 02:49 pm - i'll always be true, to the rhythm inside, to the beat of my heart.

So i just got home from school a little bit ago. I made myself a girlled cheese haha and just finished it =).

Today wasn't bad at all, really the only bad part was the 4 tests i hadda take, but i think i did well on all of them. I'm crossing my fingers atleast. I'm not sad at all today, woowwee.. haha i thought that was gonna last forever again. I think i was a little stressed over school work and all that, and that whole Mr. Voyden speech, now i'm better.

Okay so i kno u wanna kno what's on my mind today! Lol, cause i never have a day go by with nothing on my mind. Well, two things really. The first is a boy. Yes, a boy. Not saying the name but he says he has a crush on me and thinks i'm cute. Which makes me, umm, 10x happier then normal. When he first came in the middle of football season i hadda crush on him right away. Then i wasn't thinking too much about it until he msgs me on myspace one day telling me i'm cute. <3 i was shocked? Indeed, however, my feelings towards him are little to none exisitant cause i hardly kno him AT ALL. I just kno his name basically and that he has a thing for me. He said he is shy around me, that bothers me a bit. I like when i'm approached cause i hate having to do all the work, feel me? Lol. But i'm going to try to not read into it too much bc i always end up doing that; having someone have a crush on me, in my mind, is the biggest deal & i have no idea why i think this. I don't really have control over it believe it or not. I tell myself all the time when i like someone or if i iknow someone likes me that it isn't a big deal but i blow it into the biggest deal ever just to make sure ppl know someone actually hasa thing for me. Or even just fliring to make a guy want me. So weird, i know, & sounds ridiculously retarded. A lotte girls probably think so, and guys for a matter of fact, but idc. Lol, i'll give u an example. My last update i told u about *w.p.* and how i had this crush on him. Not gonna lie, i still do, the kid gives me butterflies like nothing else. Anyway, so Anthony used to like me and i used to like him too, but we just sorta went our separate ways. It never went further then just having a thing for one another, but everyone knew, including *w.p.* So like i said before he blew me off. Haaa, so in lunch today i tried to be all over Anthony to make him look at me and think 'hmm, i wish she was all over me like that.' & it worked in a way he sat by Alyssa and i was on the other side of her, when she got up i looked at him and he smiled and grabbed my hand. I kno what u'll say, i most definietly look way way way too much into things... but what girl doesn't? Maybe it's just me, i don't know thats just how i've always been.

The second thing running through my mind today was my, i don't really know if u can call us best friends anymore, but the girl who used to be like my best friend in the summer & most of last year. We were always together and never really wnet anywhere without eachother, and we talked on the phone every night for i don't know how long, but it was long. So basically i was thinking about how much i miss being "best friends" with her and telling her everything and being with her 24 7 like we were in the summer. We were like this in the beginning of the year but then something happened. I'm not really sure, but it's like she didn't want to be friends with me or maybe i changed or maybe she did. I don't know, all i really know is that it isn't the same at all and i wish that it was. Like in the hall sometimes we just walk right past one another when usually we'd liek scream eachother's names. Aaahh, i don't know, haven't u ever 'lost' a really close friend? It hurts alot, if u never have. I guess that is just the way life goes though. Sometimes we have friends that stick with us for whatever amount of time and then i guess sometimes we have friends that just leave or go their own way while u stay in urs. It makes me really upset though. I had so much fun with her. Argh.

So thinking these two things and typing them down definietly is making me think about who i am as a person and what i think about. I think my problem is i am way too dependable and trustworthy. Well, not right away but if i either have at hing for u or am friends with u and like my feelings towards u don't change or i always talk to u about stuff liek a friend does, i become very dependable that that will always be there, no matter what happens. Almost has if i 'live in the future' and not the present. U know what i mean by that? I think that what i think about ppl is they will always be there for me, when in all honestly u can't say that bc u don't know. In reality they are with u at the moment, but who knows what tomorrow brings? Maybe the guy u have a thing for, or has a thing for u will meet the woman of he's dreams bc i didn't step up and let him know that i want to be the woman of he's dreams. Or maybe the friend i talk to on the phone everynight and tell every single thing to and spend every day with them will find a new interest and not want to deal with 'the drama' u bring, or want to be ur friend but just decide one day they don't want to be too close of friends since they might be hurt, or maybe i'm too immature. U see, i think these things like ppl won't leave me bc ---i don't want ppl to leave me--- i would rather stay in the moment let everything be perfect but in all truth, things won't ever be perfect and i think i need to come to a realization of that bc if i don't what does my future really hold? A bunch of heartbreaks and misguidance. What i want to be is something more then i am, i think. I hate dwelling on the past and past relationships and experiances. Even though i always tell myself i'm not going to, i do anyway without realizing.

I don't know.. that'd all my pondering for the day.
<33 XoX

1/30/06 04:22 pm - SoMe sAY tHAt gOOd LOVe, weLL it'S LiKE fiNe WinE. iT GEts beTTEr AS tHe dAyS gO By

Here we are again, i just got home from Linda's with my dad. It wasn't bad at all, we just talked about my dad really, haha, that's all we usually do when he is there with me. Next week i'm by myself, FINALLY. I haven't been for what seems like ever and i am going there for me not everyone else.. eer (didn't mean to sound self-centered there). But yeah, next week will most likely be better cause i'll get to tell her how i've been feeling for real, sometimes i fake it when my mom or dad is with me because i don't like saying that kinda stuff in front of em, which i know is bad, but i do it anyway.

So today in school wasn't horrible.I was sorta expecting it to be better. Religion class was when my "bad mood" started, not really bad mood just more of a complex mood cause it was a buncha emotions and questions and memories runnign through my head. We somehow got on the subject of premarital sex, which in my calss is normal because for some reason we always end up on that subject even if we are talking about death in the beginning of class. Anyway, so we were talking about how it is wrong and Mr. Voyden had said that it is not only wrong in the eyes of the church but scientifical research has proven it to not only be morally wrong but emotionally wrong and could end up allowing the marriage to end up in divorce. This is because the act of sex allows woman to become "attached" or "bonded" with her partner the same way she is "bonded" with her baby. Apparently there is a "super glue" (i'm not sure of the real name, i forgot) that is released when the is giving birth to her child and that "super glue" is also the way the child knows the mother differently than it knows others when it first meets them. This is also released in the woman when having sex. The female is "bonded" with her partner, hence the reason why the woman would rather *cuddle* after havig sex.
This got me thinking.. alot alot of things. So while i was contemplating of the question i was going to ask Mr. Voyden he said something else to us. He gave us an example of when u take a piece of tape and the glue on it pulls off a lot of hair if u would put it on ur arm, but as u keep putting that same piece of tape on the arm, fewer and fewer hairs come out because the glue is already holding so much in. Which means that the first love or sex partner of the woman is always going to "take the most" from her and almost be permanetly with her because of that special bond. And i guess that this also means the more sex parnters u have before getting married allows u to be less bonded with ur husband because ur "glue" is already used up.
I thought it was interesting and it also explained alot about how girls that are teenagers shoudl definietly not be exposed to sex because the younger u start the more u are to have more sex partners until u are old enough to marry and by that time, u won't have a special bond with ur husband anyway. It just all makes a lot of sense to me now that it is like proven and better explained to me. So in a way it made me happy, because i finally understood why i am so attached to Willie. Because i'm "super glued" to him... if u know what i mean. And it's not really because i am still in love with him and belong with him but more like that's just the way it is, if i were to have sex with another guy i won't be AS attached, but i will still be attached. I dunno, it just all became clear to me. So if it became clear, why did it also put me in a bad mood? Probably because whenever anyone talks about things like that it gets me into a bad mood. All my life i planned on only doing that with one man and i ruined it already, u know? Almost makes me feel like a walking mistake. To me, everything i do is wrong and i dunno why, it just always seems to be wrong... not automatically be wrong flat out, but slowly within time *be* wrong.

Okay, on with my bad mood. I HATE MY HISTORY TEACHER!!! More than anyone, and when i say hate i can honestly mean HATE. I know it's a strong word, but if i could make it any stronger... i would. She's out to get me and i mean it. Adding on to that whoel wrong thing, well she makes me feel not only wrong but STUPID AS FUCK. I raised my hand almost the whoel review thing and she never called on me, i started this stupdi research paper on King Henry VIII, and of course she did a research paper on him in college so she knows everything about him, and my whole paper is basically wrong because, "the internet is wrong and i'm right" as she says. I just don't like her at all, at all, at all. So tonight i have to re-do my rough draft because i went in today asking to switch my subject and she told me no, even though in the beginning of this assignment she said we could change the subject as long as it wasn't the weekend before. Why i can't switch? I dunno. But really, what do i know in that class? Nothing? Yeah. Whatever if i had a dick i'd make her suck it.

Speaking of dicks and sucking. I know this SLUT who bothers me. I don't just mean "slut" like the highschool definition of slut meaning stupid, bitch, etc. I mean "slut" as in sex with anyone, head whenever the guy asks. Yeah, so i felt bad for this girl because not a lot of people liked her and all and because she was fake, but then eventually i was like wow, there's no need for everyone to be so mean to her, u know? I wouldn't wanna be treated like that. So anyway, Orianna tells me that she gives head to *w.p.* whenever he wants and which is almost a daily basis, so i called Anthony over to tell me thr truth, because i had a crush on *w.p.* but he blew me off like last week... (that's a different story) so he tells me the same thing Ore did. I flipped, and laughed, and was like histraical because first off EWH and second off i acutally felt bad for this girl, now it's more like i feel like pukeing when i see this girl. Bluck.

That should be it for today, bud.
<3it's been a pleasure.

1/29/06 07:32 pm - look what i foundd<33

Hey kids, remember this? Oh my, it has been a while let me tell u, like 2 years practically!! I was emailing my sister my spanish homework when i found my password, i couldn't find it then i got it =) lol.. obviously! wow, i forgot how much i love this thingg.. i have a xanga, (www.xanga.com/livers246) but i only got it bc my ex boyfriend had it and so we had it at the same time and commented eachother when we were in school, i dunno i got caught up in him.

So u're probably thinking i'm talkig about Alex. Because last time i had a boy on this thing it was him, even thought Alex was never my offical boy. But no, Willie is the ex I mean. I was really wrapped up in everything he was, i swear i breathed him in and i swear he was sent to me to make me stay alive cause i was more then depressed and without him i would have definietly done a ridiculous, stupid thing... it's not that he talked me out of it because i never really told him i had thoughts about that, it was more like i felt like he was the only person that truely loved me. And when i say "only," i mean "only." Like, i didn't believe my mom meant it or my sisters or dad, or anyone even cousins. I thought it was s scam or something. I dunno, that's just how i thought. So anyway, my whole last year should just be labeled, "the Willie year," cause that's basically what it was in a nutshell. I got into arguments with some of my closet friends because of him, with my mom, dad, sisters, my whole family pretty much, some teachers. Nobody accepted him for me, except myself. I thought he was my angel. And i'll still say, i really think he was. Anyway, this past summer was an exciting one. Lots of time with friends & almost everyday/night with the guy i fell inlove with. Lol, like summer lovin. But no seriously, it was an adventure lots of ups and good times with some amazing friends and then lots of downs and terrifying times with myself, and family.The reason i broke up with him is because of college. He goes to stupid Arizona, but i don't want him here either... even though i really do. I wish my family accepted him and i wish i knew why i really care about him so much. Not one day goes by without him on my mind, you know? It's like i will never be able to get him out of me.. he's premanetly inside of me... forever.

Well things happene for a reason, i guess.During the summer my mom was convinced i needed medicane to be better or atleast to just talk to her because i was holding a lot of my feelings back, esp. just from her ad the only person i told anything to really was Willie. So i was put on anti-depresants because apparently i have a chemical inbalance and i go to a phsychatrist too. It's okay i guess, can't complain i'm forced to do it. I'd prefer to not go to see my therapist, but i'm not really given a choice. Ugh, sometimes i feel like such a baby and everyone thinks they have to take care of me, but i dunno i could definietly be wrong. And to tell u the absolute truth, i think that people expect me to be different, and not really who i am, but my question is, what if i am someone that no one likes? It's not like there is a medicane to take or a person to talk to to "fix" me. What i mean is, no one in my family liked who i was in the summer, and i agree i was a little out there... but what if i am just that, out there. It's possible for me to be totally different then my sisters who haven't done what i have done so early in age. And it's also possible for me to be nothing like my cousins, and/or parents. U see, if i were to lite up a ciggerate anywhere near my family they'd all freak out and be turned off. So what if i would ever do that? What would they really do, kick me out because of one ciggerate?...

I have a lot of questions and that's probably why i am updating at the moment because they seem to all be wondering in my head and i needed to do something about them without really anyone being able to see. I miss being who i am, showing who i am, and i'm almost faking who i am right now and i won't do it anymore, i just won't. Unless my family rejects me, once again.. then i supposed i'll have to fake it for everyday i am around them.

I dunno, it was really nice talking to u again.

10/28/04 01:41 pm - I wanna rock your body.

Well, I'm in the fabulous Ms Menecola's classroom w/ my wonderful classmates Elizabeth and Matthew. We're here in compy class doin nothin cause Ms Men decided to be nice and give us a free day <3... how nice. Elizabeth watches porn. Matthew sings JT.

I have a lot to write about cause last week I wrote nothing =o... yeah I know. I will update later tonight maybe or tomorrow idk when really, maybe even Sunday. Ehh.. nothing to write about tonight I have cheering practice at 6 until 7:30 for the pep rally tomorrow night. Fun fun. Lyss Lyss and I will text eachother a million times tonight cause we are losers and don't like actually talking on the phone. Weird, I know. If Jeff doesn't call me earlier I will be mad. Grr.. he called me at 11 and I was sleeping. Annoying.

I'm becoming a vegitarian. I have reasons I don't want to explain on here right now. I'm gunna go join some of the funniest ppl I know <3 I love them. We're looking at ppl's asses. 0=) =D

<3peace out cub scots

10/18/04 03:10 pm

my god I fucking hate you more than anyone right now.

10/17/04 07:34 pm - What is it in us that makes us feel the need to keep pretending got to let oursleves be

Ahh.. this school week went by quick which is good.

Friday after school i laid around, watched Oprah, and than i got ready. F-pod and I went out for din din at applebee's. We talked about mucho things and we had a horrible waitress =X whatever she was a bitch, so we read the whole menu to piss her off. After din we where goign to have dessert but the stupid waitress didn't offer it to us so we left for Sweets, but it closes at 10 so we were too late. We listened to good music, stopped for gas, got fraps, and drove around. Oh F-pod... I love you.

Saturday was the game. Got up around 8 and took a shower. Got ready, and remembered I hadda bring drinks so i told my mom and after I was finished getting ready she and I went to Mr. Z's and got a huge thing of water and donuts for Jazz. My mom dropped me off around 10:30. We waited for a bit than we got on the bus. It was only an hour and a half away so it was a short ride. Cheered. We won. 41-20. We kick ass. Wrestled on this awesome blue thing, and tailgated than went home. Jul, Ash, and Ash invited me to go with them and sum guys to thie haunted house so we were planning on doing that, but all the guys were too tired so Ash Ash and I didn't have a ride and all that nonsense so we all did different things. Liz Rader was coming over so we invited Morg and went to Blockbuster for movies. We got Saved and Butterfly Effect. We only watched Saved, which might I add is a weird movie. It was funny though. Liz went home around 10, and Morg stayed still liek 11, Jazz and I brought her home. Got home and found Mask on WE. That's a cool movie... IT WAS LIKE NEVER ENDING THOUGH. I mean damnn.. talk about dragged out. Went to bed around 2 am. Oh, but my texts from Alyssa Fiore are the best, I love her <3.

Today didn't go to church cause of the movie, I was tired. Alex msged me and asked me to hang out so I said alright. Watched the end of Butterfly Effect, the end of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and the beginning of Shallow Hal. I fell asleep than Alex called and woke me up.. boo. He came over and we watched Shallow Hal, than sum of Save the Last Dance and sum of Stepmom. (Now i'm thinking about it I always watch halves of movies never the whole thing, weird). We talked and whatnot, laughed. Now I'm here just got off of the phone with E-lo. Hungry. So i'm gunna make dinner for myself and do sum homework. Watch Extremem Makeover Home Edition at 8 and Despreate Housewives at 9. Awesome line up.


10/10/04 10:07 am - my lungs are fresh and your's to keep kept clean and they will let you breathe

So this week at school was spirit week. Monday was pajamma day and decorate your homeroom even though no one decorated until like wednesday cause T.K. is gay and didn't want to cut into classes, blah. Had an appointment than I think i just came home and studied. Hhah, idk. Umm.. tuesday was red, white, and blue day and D. Steele's trivia game. Jasmine and I went and got our eyebrows done than we went to the volleyball games. Bunch of ppl there, Jenessa, Gab, Katlyn, Jasmine, and Jane and I all figured out what they could bequieth to us at the end of the year. Hah, it was fun. Than me and Jenessa just kind of walked around in the hallway and talked to Cole, Philly, Alex, Rocco, CJ, Jenna, Robbie. Jul Tonya and Ash DeRea walked in and than Jenessa and me were talking to them about bequiething more stuff to us! Hah. After the games we had cheering practice. Went over stuff for the pep ralley and learned more stuff for competitions. Came home, studied.

Wednesday was blue and white day. Had cheering practice and we went over all the stuff for the competitions. It's going to be awesome, everyone will love it. Than we helped Ms. Basso set up for the living rosary for Thrusday. Thrusday was obviously living rosary. I ended up saying a Hail Mary because they didn't have enough ppl. Than just had regular classes. Went out for din din with my dad and sisters. We went to Ponivino. It was good food. My dad brought me to CVS to buy candy for the spirit sticks i hadda make, and for the locker room decorating nonsense. Friday was anything goes day and pep rally. It was pretty much a day of doing nothing. We played games and I made Beth's lip bleed. Hah, -5! Than we hadda pep rally. It went well, i think? Everyone seemed to enjoy it, so i'm guessing it did. Uhh.. than went home for a little than went back up to the school for the volleyball game. It was pointless, only varsity and the other team sucked. So I sat with Rocco, Mike Garcia, Josh, Elizabeth, Shawn, and Alex for a little, than Anthony, Cole, Phil came so I sat with them and Alex than just went home cause it was boring. Went back up to the feild around 6 to decorate. Than went to the school at 7 to decorate for the dance. Ppl were there, and it was a bad night. I've been having a lot of those. Ugh. Went home around 10 and went to bed. Of course didn't fall asleep till 1, cause that's how it has to be.

Yesterday was the homecoming game. Woke up around 10 and ate breakfast than Ashely Correll came over around 11:30 and I did her hair, than I did mine and got ready for the game. Went to the feild at 1 and hung out with Kerri, Ash Stone, and Jenessa for a bit than everyone slowly came and we put up ballons and posters, streched, stunted and the game began. It was weird without Julia and Jenna, and seemed so much more quiet. Oh well. Umm.. at half time was the queen and princess crowning. JASMINE was the princess! And JULIA was the queen! My two favorites, I'm happy that's who it was. After that I said hello to all my family and shared two football cookies with Kerri. Than cheered again. We of course won! 58-21. =P We're awesome. 5-1! Got home around 5:30 and took a shower and got ready than went to my grandparent's to see my family before going to the dance, left around 6:30 than collected tickets at the door with Mrs. Martocci, Phil, Jennesa, and occasionaly Marueen. Everyone slowly came, danced, laughed, had fun. ANTHONY was king and SHAWN was prince. Kerri and I danced with Anthony together. Hah, ta pic is goin in the yearbook. Had a circle of fun with Kerri Ash Stone and Pavil! HAha. Went home at 10. Watched SNL with Glenn, Jul, and Jasmine than went to bed, now i'm pretty much here. Tired, bored, and really just out of it. I don't know I'm confussed.

Tomorrow we have off! Going to relax, go to my nona's because we haven't gone in FOREVER! & I have an appointment, that might help. This week will be boring =X... but every week is boring so I guess there's no change.

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